TWO THINGS HAVE BEEN HOLDING ME BACK...

I've woken up in such a strange mood. In fact I've woken up in this mood for a few days now. After the high of Paris, I've come back to a level of normality. But more than anything else, I've realised that I've fallen back into some old habits which have been holding me back for a long time. Not only from being my best self, but from being my happiest and most adventurous self.

The first thing I did today was go on my phone and start scrolling... Whenever I do that I've realised that my mind gets foggy, I operate slower throughout the day and subconsciously try to find dopamine constantly. I had been up for an hour and all I had to show for it was a few saved videos... Then I looked around and was like 'What am I doing? Is this the attitude of the person I want to be?' I dashed my phone in the draw and started creating momentum for my day and even though It's only been maybe 30mins I feel a million times better. When I was off insta and had the app deleted it was no longer a problem, but now that Insta is so vital for my work and being able to connect with everybody, I now have a new challenge. How do you keep yourself from eating a slice of cake when you always have one in the fridge? That's something I am navigating right now with instagram.

In all honesty I think it's just about setting concrete rules for myself and committing to them e.g. no phone usage in the first hour of the day. Whenever I'm not using my phone, put it away in the drawer. Be intentional when using it. If i'm going on insta to check messages then that should be the only thing I do on there. Anyway I'm still working it out, but I'm going in the right direction. My phone also takes my attention away from doing the things I actually love to do e.g. watching anime, movies, playing video games etc. I want to make more time for my self to do these things without being tempted and destarcted by bullshit on my screen. Scrolling really be draining as fuck. Time to do something about it.

Second is simply waking up late... I'm a person who thrives when waking up early. I guess it can just be hard sometime to go to sleep early when events are going on or when most of my frirends are music artist and are practically vampires lol. But I can't blame it on those things. At the end of the day I make a choice to either feel good now and bad later or bad now but good later.

When I wake up later I find myself rushing through the day almost trying to catch up. It stops me from being present and truly enjoying my day. It also stops me from doing the things I love because once I've finished doing the things that I have to do there is suddenly no time to do the other things I want to do. I guess I just really need to commit. Have a non-negotiable agreement with myself about what I really value. Not to say there wouldn't be times where I wouldn't be out late, but I just want to make sure that I am living my life exactly the way I want to live it, and aside from film making, I don't think I have all the way.

I don't want to waste a day. I guess the first step to changing something is first becoming aware that something needs to change. Now that I've done that, the next step is the change. Feels good to get this weight off my chest. I just need to let go of all this pressure I'm putting on myself and simply focus on one moment at a time.